It takes just a moment to join our fantastic community
Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Mavericks Choice, Sep 16, 2017.
Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however the laundry always gets wet.
All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's.
The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.
So one day they are all out in the backyard putting clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"
“Well," says Sophie, " when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash.”
“If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.
"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!"
Every Sunday a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. It went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
“My dear, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he said.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church.”
“That’s wonderful. How much does he send you?” the priest asked. “He sends me $2,000 a week,” she replied proudly.
“Your son is very successful,” said the priest. “What does he do for a living?”
“He is a veterinarian,” she answered. “That is a very honourable profession,” the priest assured her.
“Where does he practice?”
“Well, she replied, “he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in New Orleans.”
In the Middle of the Road
A trucker drives his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and starts down the other side when he notices a man and a woman making love in the center of the road.
He blows his horn several times, but they don't budge. He slams on his brakes and stops just inches from them.
Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walks to the couple, still in the road, and yells, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"
The man on the highway looks up and says, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
I've an ambulance siren phobia.
My wife left me for an ambulance driver and now when I hear one, I fear he is bringing her back.
We were shopping yesterday at a high-end store and my wife complained that the whole time she was in there, she was getting closely followed around by this big fat dark lady. I replied, "That's your shadow love....."
Please stop asking for the perfect man for Christmas. Santa tried to kidnap me 3 times already this week
A woman gets cheated on by her husband.
Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decided to go there to consult him.
After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".
The monk gives her a ice cream and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he ask: "Is the ice cream delicious?" "Yes"- she answer. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please". The monk looks her in the eyes and said "Do you see the problem now?"
The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speak. "I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that".
The monk shakes his head "No, I mean you are too fat."
I got a call off the police today telling me my wife had been involved in a car accident.
"Is she okay?" I asked, worriedly.
"Well, she does have a couple of big bumps and a very large gash." he replied.
"I know that, but is she injured in any way?"
After hearing a knock on the door, a man opened the door to find a Policeman there.
The Policeman said, "Is this a picture of your wife? Looks like she has been hit by a bus!".
The man said, "I know, but she has a great personality!".
The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: “What do you do at Christmas time?:
Patrick addressed the class: “Well Miss, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."
“Very nice Patrick." She said. “Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?”
"Well, Miss, me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put chocolate biscuits and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa to bring our presents."
Realising there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked. “Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?”
Isaac said, “Well, it’s the same thing every year Miss…. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad’s toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and sing: “What A Friend We Have In Jesus.”...then we all go to the Bahamas."
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"Fucing sticks" said Paddy.
So i said to the German bloke "why is that lump of meat in the boot of your car?"
"Dat is my spare veal" he replied.
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks and there are only 3 Survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.
They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So they buried Deirdre.
The wife and I were out having dinner when She said "We've been living together for Thirty three years now and you still haven't popped the question.."
"Good point.." I said "When are you moving out...?"
Separate names with a comma.