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Joke of the Day

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Where Do Red-Headed Babies Come From ?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!

'Nonsense,' the doctor said. 'Even though you and your
wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted. 'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? '

The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very
hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.

'It's rust.'
 

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Have you ever woke up kissed the person sleeping beside you and been glad that you are alive? I did and now they tell me I will never be allowed on this airline again
 

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Mick, from Dublin appeared on 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question... will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick, "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?"
A: Sparrow
B: Thrush
C: Magpie
D: Cuckoo
"I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin."
Mick called up his mate and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Hell, Mick!" cried Paddy, "Dat's simple... it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy. How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because, he lives in a clock."
 

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Bert at 80 years old, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret at age 75, looked him over and replied, "Nope."
Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW???"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
 

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Mike got talking to a woman in a bar last night. "How comes you're only drinking orange juice?" he asked.
She said, "I'm pregnant."
“I thought you were because your belly is sticking right out," he smiled, "But I didn't want to ask just in case you were just a fatty.
How far gone are you?" "2 weeks." she said...
 

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Having a smoke outside the pub last night and some dude in a wheelchair said..Why do you smoke its a horrible habit,I looked at him and asked,Why the fuk are you wearing shoes.
 

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While walking through the park, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
.
Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'
.
'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.
.
'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'
.
'No, would you like to give it a try?'
.
Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...'
.
So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.
.
With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?'.
.
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.
.
When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,
.
'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...
 

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Pregnant Prostitute

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?”

"For gosh sakes, if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?”
 

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A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression "I presume."
One little girl held up her hand and said, "Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Another one said, "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that the BMW wouldn't start."
"That's excellent," says the teacher.
Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says, "Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that......."
The teacher interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything."
Johnny says, "Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence."
The teacher says, "Very well. Continue."
"As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a crap because he can't read.
 
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