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Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Mavericks Choice, Sep 16, 2017.
One Saturday afternoon I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking a beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."
I took a drink from my can of Beer, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my RayBans and stared directly at this nosy bitch and calmly replied, "I am. That's why SHE cuts the grass."
On a large farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom liked to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around wildly, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best buddies, best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
'When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks!
Good thing I have a Harley!
"My best mate at school was born with with 14 fingers and 18 toes.He wasnt very good at most subjects but whenever I struggled at maths I could allways count on him.
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lived for ten more years, and then died peacefully.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the fukking wall!""
If you think, for one second, you’ve got a bad job, on your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy. I want you to go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice there is a disclosure in very fine print that reads:
“Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.”
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, “I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.” Have a wonderful day knowing that, no matter how bad it is, there is always a job that’s more of a pain than yours.
Grandma, sitting in bed, proclaims "Hmmm -- I fancy a bowl of ice cream right now".
Grandpa, who is walking around, quickly suggests "Oh, I'll go get you a bowl, dear."
"You old fool", she replies, "you'll just go to the kitchen and forget why you're there. It'll be faster if I get it".
"No, no, no honey. A bowl of ice cream - simple. I'll be right back" he says as he shuffles off the the kitchen.
However, as he stares into the fridge, he can't quite remember what he's supposed to fetch for his wife. He decides that she wanted some eggs and so he quickly scrambles up a couple for her.
He returns to his wife with the plate of eggs and a fork and immediate hears:
"You old fool! I knew you'd forget!! Where's the bacon?!"
Two Aussie builders ( Phil and Eric ) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Phil: I reckon he`s an accountant.
Eric: No way - he`s a stockbroker.
Phil: He ain`t no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn`t come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal., Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Phil: Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: No offence taken! I`m a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: Oh! Whats that then?
Suit: I`ll try to explain by example .. Do you have a goldfish at home?
Phil: Er...Mmm, Well yeah, I do as it happens.
Suit: Well, it`s logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Phil: It`s in a pond!
Suit: Well then it`s reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.
Phil: As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: Well then it`s logical to assume that in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house.
Phil: As it happens I`ve got a five-bedroom house... built it myself.
Suit: Well given that you`ve built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven`t built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Phil: Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Phil: Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Phil: Me? Never.
Suit: Well there you are! That`s logical science at work!
Phil: How`s that then?
Suit: Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I`ve told you about your sex life!
Phil: I see! That`s pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.
Eric: I see the suit was in there,. Did you ask him what he does?
Phil: Yep! He`s a logical scientist!
Eric: What`s that then?
Phil: I`ll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Phil: Well then you`re a wanker.
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman... and so forth..
However, little Paul was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Paul aside to ask him,"Is that really true about your father?"
"No," the boy said, "He plays hockey for the Toronto Maple Leafs, but it's too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids."
A woman is driving towards home from work, In Northern Arizona.
When she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking.
Knowing the trip will be long, she stopped the car and asked the woman to get in.
During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances suspiciously at a brown bag in the front of the seat between them.
"If you're wondering what's in the bag." Offers the woman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got for my husband."
The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and said, "hm good trade."
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather
forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there
was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a
farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said,
"Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in
just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace
meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and
experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He
gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on
my way." So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The
King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon
seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire
the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the
prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about
forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey.
If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the
government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
And the practice is unbroken to this day..
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