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Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Mavericks Choice, Sep 16, 2017.

  1. keith reed

    keith reed Well-Known Member

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    Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?
    No many of them begin with if I am elected I promise.
     
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  2. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!"

    The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

    The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the sh#t out of the little rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all! " The lion answers, "That little fukker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
     
  3. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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  4. Skydrol

    Skydrol Well-Known Member

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  5. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

    His mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

    The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

    His father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
     
  6. keith reed

    keith reed Well-Known Member

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    I bought the missus some crotchless knickers for Halloween.
    Nothing sexual, it just gives her a better grip on her broom.
     
  7. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and decided to take her to dinner. He called his wife to tell her that he had to "work late" and she said, "no problem."

    After dinner they went back to her apartment and had mad sex for hours. On the way home he noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He fell into a state of panic. What was he going to tell his wife?

    He walked in the door and was greeted by his excited and happy dog. Inspired, he fell to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog.

    Holding his neck with one hand he walked into the living room and exclaimed, "Honey! Look at what the dog did to my neck!"

    His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, "That's nothing, look at what he did to my tits!"
     
  8. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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  9. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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  10. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.

    Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.

    "Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."

    He looked confused,

    "What are you talking about?"

    "Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.

    "No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."
     
  11. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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  12. Skydrol

    Skydrol Well-Known Member

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  13. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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  14. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them.

    One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?"

    The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!"
     
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  15. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

    "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts."

    He continued, "She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."
     
  16. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Two old friends meet passing on the street one day. But one seemed hopeless, and almost on the verge of tears.

    His friend asked, "What has the world done to you?"

    The sad man said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me forty thousand dollars."

    "That's not bad."

    "But you see, two weeks ago, a cousin I never even knew kicked the bucket, and left me eighty-five thousand free and clear."

    "Sounds like you should be grateful..."

    "You don't understand!" he interrupted. "Last week my great-aunt passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."

    Now the friend was really confused. "Then, why are you so sad?"

    "This week... nothing!
     
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  17. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    Benny and Mark were at the bar chatting about how much their wives thought of them. Mark said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's great!"

    Not to be out done, Benny said, "That's nothing. My wife simply worships me..."

    Confused Mark asked, "She worships you? C'mon, what makes you say that?"

    "Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."
     
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  18. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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  19. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    The other day I needed to call home, but the only pay phone I could find was in use. So I stood to the side and politely waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes. Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word. Two more minutes went by, and he still wasn't talking.

    Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone. I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call.

    "Hold your horses," he responded, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife."
     
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  20. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice Well-Known Member

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    A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

    The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

    The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

    The wife said, "Seven weeks."
     

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