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Discussion in 'Jokes/Humour' started by Mavericks Choice, Sep 16, 2017.
Standing at the edge of the lake, a fisherman saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Another man was standing on the shore screaming for help.
The fisherman ran over to the man. "Help!" the other man yelled, "I can't swim! My wife's drowning! I'll give you $1000 if you save her!"
The fisherman jumps in the water, swims powerfully out to the drowning woman, puts his arm around her, and swims back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman coughs up water, then says, "[cough] OK, bud, where's my grand?"
"But, this is my mother-in-law!"
The fisherman reaches into his pocket with a frown and says, "Just my luck. Ok, how much do I owe you?"
Two engineering learner's were biking across University when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and lay on the ground and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
1st year--The husband says, "Oh, sweete pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from Tosini's. I've already arranged it with the head nurse."
2nd year--"Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"
3rd year--"Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?"
4th year--"No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!"
5th year--"Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"
6th year--"You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!"
7th year--"For pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."
NASA have announced that in a few years they aim to develop a telescope that can detect the gases in the atmospheres of distant planets. Wouldn't that be a Smelloscope?
A woman's husband dies. He had only $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left.
The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 left a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $6,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, so that was another $2,000. The rest went to the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$12,000 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was it?"
Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three and a half carats".
Three men were discussing their wives. "My wife tells me I'm so distinguished," said the first, "that I look like an ambassador."
"Well," replied the second. "My wife tells me I'm so intelligent-I'm the best-read man she has ever met."
"My wife's proud of me too," said the third. "Everytime a deliveryman comes to the door, she announces,'My husband's home! My husband's home!'"
John just had a heart transplant and was getting instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and alcohol, and advised to get at least eight hours sleep a night.
"What about my sex life?" asked John. "Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?"
"Only with your wife," said the doctor. "We don't want you to get too excited."
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of his standard response of reassuring her that was not the case, her husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years" he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them grow larger over the years?"
He shrugged and replied "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"
He lived......... and with extensive therapy, may even walk again.
A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll hang out with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll be your girlfriend for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.
A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll be your girlfriend for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.
Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised lots of fun with a beautiful princess for a whole year and you won't even kiss a frog?"
"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for girls.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."
A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse attached around his neck. He walks up to the meat counter and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be served. A man, who is already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and notices the dog.
The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put his paw on the glass case in front of the minced beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds of minced beef.
He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.
The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.
The man who had been watching all this time, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then trotted up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.
As the owner appeared at the door, the man said to him, "That's a really smart dog you have there." The owner replied, "He's not all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."
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