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Joke of the Day

Mavericks Choice

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A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the cowboy from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...

Then, he spoke...

'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'
 

Mavericks Choice

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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
 

Mavericks Choice

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1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round
table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size
from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan
island, but it turned out to be an optical
Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved
her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from
algebra class, because it was a weapon of math
disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and
was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
would result in Linoleum Blownapart

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a
tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp
wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a
banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the
hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay
here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting
bigger. Then it hit me

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center
said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and
pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a
taste for religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd
be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two
dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and
says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed
per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One
turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,
so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly
it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've
lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you
sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
Novocain during a root canal? His goal:
transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the
puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
 

Mavericks Choice

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Went to the gym the other day. Had my workout and decided to have an energy drink in the gym cafe. while i was sitting there an extremely fat young woman sat down beside me, puffing an blowing. She ordered her meal and turned to me and said "excuse me, I wonder if you could help me" I turned towards her and asked what the problem was. Well she said, I have been coming to this gym for 3 months now and haven't lost an ounce yet. I have diligently followed the instructors advice and I just wondered if you might have any helpful suggestions. So I said to her have you tried skipping. What skipping like boxers do she said. No. I said meals you fat b.....d
 

Mavericks Choice

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1. Everyone has rolls when they bend over.
2. When someone tells you that you're beautiful, believe them. They aren't lying.
3. Sometimes we all wake up with breath that could kill a goat.
4. For every woman unhappy with her stretch marks is another woman who wishes she had them.
5. You should DEFINITELY have more confidence. And if you saw yourself the way that others see you, you would.
6. Don't look for a man to save you. Be able to save yourself.
7. It's okay to not love every part of your body...but you should.
8. We all have that one friend who seems to have it all together. That woman with the seemingly perfect life. Well, you might be that woman to someone else.
9. You should be a priority. Not an option, a last resort, or a backup plan.
10. You're a woman. And that alone makes you pretty damn remarkable.
 

Mavericks Choice

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I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Muslim sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That swine next door has still got my bloody shovel."
 

Mavericks Choice

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An Octopus goes into a bar and says:

"I can play any musical instrument going!"

Someone gives him a guitar and he starts to play like Jimi Hendrix.

The bartender motions to the piano, which he sits in front of and promptly starts playing, better than Elton John.

A Scotsman tosses him a set of Bagpipes. The Octopus fumbles around for a couple of minutes.

The Scotsman says "what's wrong...can ye' not play it?"

The Octopus says:

"Play it!?! I'm gonna' screw her brains out once I figure out how to get her pajamas off!"
 

Tonner Matt

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Pissing myself laughing.gif
 
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